An introspection To Be Continued

Mental disorders and physical illnesses, if left untreated, can cause chronic pains and handicaps, mentally or physically, and certain impair one's state of mind. I know, I had both mental anguish and physical isolation. I was very fortunate, blessed with friends who suffered the same, whom I stood by and lent a listening ear. They are either very dear to my heart or I do not care.  

Staying beside someone hopeless and helpless actually helped me to survive and live the decades. Living the decades, with truth in me. 

 

One of them, my beloved friend, passed away 22 years ago. I was younger, very naive, uninformed and really a big child in heart. You see, I was myself. I have always cared and I am loved too. Mid-thirties and I did not know what love was. I just did what I knew, I thought it was only nature. When my friend became very sick and literally skeletal, I visited him at the hospital or, if not hospitalized, I picked him at his home and had tea-tarik (local tea with milk) at roadside stalls, nearly everyday. A few days before my friend passed away, I told him I loved him, a friend's affection. 

No cries, no devastation, I attended his funeral and continued my life without seeing his closest friend again. 

  

In 2005, my mother was diagnosed cancer. I took her to the hospital, admissions or appointments. Whatever she wanted to eat, I bought without caring for any other atom or molecule. I remember now, in numerous times, how I reminded her, wanted her to know how much I loved her; I make sure she knew. I thought and was hopeful that she would feel less pain in any way. But, made no mistakes, a gap of 10 years since my best pal's funeral, I was still unsure, rigid about love. Love was sacred, in whatever form. Six months after her diagnosis in the same year, my mother passed away. 

No cries, no devastation. My life continued without his mother, together who loved each other very much. 

 In 2010, my younger brother suffered a heart-attack. This time I was not the same, I was impaired my state of mind; meaning, I was at the hospital considerably less, where my vegetative brother was tended for 3 weeks. We took him home, my father's house. For 9 months he laid in bed vegetative and helpless, with occasional blinks. It was the most trying time for everyone in the family. We shared efforts to clean him, bathe him, feed him and everything else.  We had a maid then and she was a gem. Without her, I would have collapse. A few months before his heart-attack, I remembered telling him how I care about him and his family. In 2011, last day of March, 9 months of grief and pains did not go away after his death. 

No cries. But I was devastated... I lost my younger brother, and I worried for so long for his remaining family. Too long. 

So much turmoil, and roller-coaster, my mind truly anguished, Somehow, I just kept giving. Kept giving saves me. Take note, I have been very fortunate never without a roof above me or without food. The treasured truth is, I merely embrace my basic principles, it brings mainly physical but less mental health, for me to steadfastly embraced vanity. Self-possession. My shallow vanity has been keeping my life. 

I will continue.... But life has to live ah! Cheerio guys!